that hum

You know that hum you hear, when you're surrounded by a crowd but it's not so noisy that you can't hear your thoughts?

I used to love that gentle hum. I remembered it from the pool--when I was still young, I accompanied my mom to my sister's swim lessons. I settled into my mom's arms and closed my eyes, hearing all kinds of sounds around me...the chatter of the other parents sitting on the bleachers with us, the splashing of the water from the pool, the yells from the coaches and the tweets of their whistles. I identified the noises, I heard them--but they all seemed muffled. It was calming, hearing the noises around me but feeling like I didn't have to pay attention to any of them.

I re-experienced that hum today. I was sitting on the bus, thankful that I had managed to get a seat. I was sitting next to a student I didn't know, flanked all around me with other students going back to their dorms. Chatter filled the air. It was noisy enough that I could not distinguish one particular conversation, not even the one directly in front of me. At first, the gentle hum washed over me and I was relaxed. Just me and my thoughts, and I was content sitting there, not doing anything. But then panic hit me. I felt alone. I quickly glanced at the boy sitting next to me, and considered saying hello. He looked surprised, and I hadn't even opened my mouth.

I was too relieved when I stepped into my empty dorm room, feeling less alone than I had a minute ago.

P.S. I hope you're all doing well at school (or that you will do well if you haven't quite gone back yet).